So, where do I begin? For a long time I’ve managed to react by “not reacting” or more specifically, reacting without emotion. Simply accepting what arises and immediately letting it go. Perhaps it’s a coping mechanism, avoiding feeling or emotion to quote on quote “protect myself.” It’s how I manage to accept the difficulties I experience and move on immediately. It’s my deep commitment to the present moment and my loyalty to awareness that pushes emotional reaction away from my being.
Leading me to live life in the last few years “detached.” A kind observer once asked me if I was attached to being detached. I am or at least I was or at least I’m trying to remain attached to detachment but things are beginning to become a little blurry for me.
During the last few months I’ve allowed myself to enjoy the presence of another individual. Seeing this person consistently. Sharing conversations, philosophical insights, beds, kisses; intimacy. It’s been quite an experience considering my grand love for solitude. But, I clearly enjoy this person.
And so, it’s been a year since we met and I guess it’s safe to say some feelings or feeling has emerged and in that birth of feeling, the birth of fear has also risen. I want to run. I mean like seriously run. Which makes no sense because I enjoy this person, no titles, no commitments, just how I like it and still I crave an exit. Why? Because I feel for this person? You see, there’s something about “feeling” that gives me the shakes. I don’t know how to feel without… fear? Which sounds contradictory considering “fear” is a feeling, no?
I mean, I don’t know, I’ve hit a bump on the road. To continue to enjoy this person’s company or to no longer see this person because I’m enjoying this person’s company so much?
Am I no longer as “aware” because of these thoughts or am I too aware because I am able to recognize these thoughts?
See, I never developed an ideation for the war between mind and heart and here I am right in the middle of it. Refusing to lose my mind for the cravings of my heart and refusing to lose my heart for the demands of my mind. So, I guess it’s safe to say that I am officially stuck in some sort of paradox. To love or not to love? To fear or not to feel? To feel or not to fear? Those are the questions.
I mean, where do we go from here? It’s not like I want a committed or more committed relationship. And by committed or more committed, I mean in the traditional sense. I’m not into traditional relationship commitments. I refuse to be held back or held onto too tightly, I like my freedom, in fact, I LOVE my freedom. I love solitude and this whole “feeling” thing makes it seem as though I am putting my solitude and my detached nature at risk. What the hell am I supposed to do?
May time reveal what my words cannot and may I somehow find peace throughout this endeavor without hurting anyone or myself.
To being flipping human!
With love, with light,
Solivel J Carmona